my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
