She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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