Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
