No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
not ubering you a puppy
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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