At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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