I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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