dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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