You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Is Oprah even human
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
