he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
