i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
