I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
