Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
