I met the friendliest cop last night
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Someone came in the potted fern
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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