I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
do herpes really smell.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
