The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
