Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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