Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
