Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize