He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
