If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
