I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
