new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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