I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
