Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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