i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
