Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
