His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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