You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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