Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
