There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
