My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
