future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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