last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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