dude i'm inner monologue high
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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