Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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