You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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