billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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