Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize