Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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