Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
