I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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