I wish I could teleport
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
