Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
