just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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