He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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