i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
