I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
