Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
