I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
