I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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