I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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