I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
