he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
