last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
