dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
