Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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