grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Congratulations! We have a period
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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