Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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